Horoscopes

Ryan Cook 

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

–  Your self-control will be tested this week during a class trip when an unfortunate accident at the Wisconsin Cloning Facility sends multiple copies of yourself loose around town.

 

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

  While walking down the street, you’ll suddenly change your position on an important topic. It’s the same as the last position you had, only slightly lower.

 

Gemini (May 20 – June 20)

  The saying “Life is your oyster” will take on a whole new meaning this week when you discover exactly how allergic to seafood you are.

 

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

  Studying foreign cultures is all well and good, but perhaps you should be looking at a textbook rather than all those questionable Russian websites.

 

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

  It might be hard to tell now, but by this time next year you’ll finally feel comfortable with your personal appearance. All it took was trying on a couple different clown suits.

 

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

  Missing file: ‘virgo_scope_008.txt’

    Please reinstall ‘stoutonia.exe’ or contact your administrator.

 

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

  The stars have been watching your back all this time, and the only advice that they believe you need is to maybe get that mole on your shoulder looked at.

 

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

  Your innate creativity will come in handy this week when you’re forced to come up with a convincing testimony in order to stay out of prison.

 

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

  The test that you were worried about this week will be much easier, especially after the stars give you all the answers: A, B, A, C, and Season Three of Frasier on DVD/Bluray.

 

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

  Now that Spring has finally arrived, you can finally start jogging again. At least, that’s what we’d like to say. It’ll take more than warmer weather to move your lazy ass.

 

Aquarius (January 20 – February 19)

  Don’t be alarmed when you hear a loud knock at your door tomorrow morning, as the FBI are already well aware of everything you’ve been doing and there’s nowhere to hide.

 

Pisces (February 20 – March 20)

  You will relate to famous cartoon cat Garfield this week after realizing that you too have been on the decline for well over a decade and have become painfully irrelevant.

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