Horoscopes

Ashtray (March 21 – April 19)

  • When at first you don’t succeed, drop out of school and buy a golf course. There’s nothing better than hitting the green at the crack of dawn with the boys.

Buffalo Wings (April 20 – May 20)

  • You might want to be careful the next time you go golfing, as the stars seem to show a major gaff coming your way around the seventh hole. Be careful out there.

The Twins (May 20 – June 20)

  • In a perfect world, the boys would be able to go golfing every weekend with you. Sadly they all will get married in the next few years, so hit the green while you still can.

Diabetes (June 21 – July 22)

  • Rumor has it that one of the boys got a hole in one on the fourth hole, but only a fool believes everything they hear. That shot is damn near impossible.

Tony the Tiger (July 23 – August 22)

  • Have you seen Harold around at all? I’ve tried calling him a couple times, but he never picks up. You know the rules, we can’t golf without all the boys in one place.

Virginia (August 23 – September 22)

  • Only a few more days left to use that coupon for new club polish at Dan’s Sport Emporium. Even if you already have enough polish, the boys could definitely use some.

Trashcan (September 23 – October 22)

  • A great opportunity is on the horizon if you play your cards right. And by cards I mean golf game and by opportunity I also mean golf game.

Joe Biden (October 23 – November 21)

  • Sometimes two negatives can turn into a positive. Mike lost his job and Terry got divorced, but that just means the boys can hit the green together again!

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

  • Are you kidding me? It was right there, how could it roll past the hole? I don’t think this is regulation grass. There must be some kind of soil erosion going on, that explains it.

Candy Corn (December 22 – January 19)

  • Taking the boys out for a cold one after a tough game really brings the group closer together. Just make sure Frank doesn’t start talking about his marital problems again.

Magnet (January 20 – February 19)

  • True friendships are unbreakable. Just because you have to take your idiot son to baseball practice doesn’t mean you can’t hit the green with the boys next weekend.

Sick Beats (February 20 – March 20)

  • Something bad’s gonna happen tomorrow, but do you even care at this point? Golf is all you care about anymore. Just go hit the green with the boys like always, see if I care.