The Scopes

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

  • Your consistently positive attitude will always bring out the best in others, and makes befriending people a breeze. You’re a bit overwhelming, though.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

  • Despite being pined after by two different women, you are objectively the least appealing person amongst your cast of friends. Everything will be better once you leave.

Gemini (May 20 – June 20)

  • This week will be especially bad for business, as your best friend’s father will try to run your clothing store into the ground. Fortunately, new ideas will spring up soon after.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

  • If you are looking for a new way to earn a bit of money, try opening a shoe-shine stand. An added bonus is that you will have a new place to sell your band’s CDs.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

  • Despite your bland personality, you will manage to secure dependable friends that will always be there for you. That will not stop you from second-guessing yourself, though.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

  • Your usual hardened persona will lighten this week after teaching a young child about politics and government inefficiencies. It is a rare sight, but trust me, you will enjoy it.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

  • It is just about that time of year when the flu spreads like wildfire. Your body may be like a microchip in its perfection, but even you are not immune to contagious illnesses.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

  • The world may seem tedious and dull, but there is someone out there for you that will be able to make everything seem exciting. Opposites attract, after all.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

  • When all’s said and done, there is nothing better than letting loose and buying something you know you’ll enjoy. Why not treat yourself?

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

  • Getting fired may end up being the best thing that ever happened to you. With so much free time, you can finally start getting into all sorts of different hobbies!

Aquarius (January 20 – February 19)

  • Always the klutz, this week will be your time to shine. As luck would have it, you will be tasked with looking after a prized animal. Actually, maybe that won’t go so well…

Pisces (February 20 – March 20)

  • After a wild series of events involving drinking and the police, you will wind up crashing on your friend’s couch. You’d better get used to it, as technically you will be homeless.